I just spent 4 days at The Memorial Tournament, the annual PGA event here in Columbus. I am a golf fan, so I enjoy watching the tournament itself. However, even if I wasn’t, I would still go every year because the people watching is fantastic. I have never been to an event that has that diverse of a crowd to observe and secretly judge. Since a lot of companies buy passes and give them to their employees, its not just country club types that are there. While the assemblage of people is pretty divers, the following groups really stand out:
1.) The Women There To Land a Rich Husband
I am sure that they are aiming for one of the pro golfers (I found out this weekend that Jim Furyk met his wife in Columbus), but would probably settle for one of the well-off company executives that are everywhere. You can spot these women from a mile away – they are all wearing dresses and are totally dolled up to try and attract attention to themselves. They also have on shoes that look like they would be uncomfortable walking from the house to the mailbox, let alone walking up and down the hills on a golf course (and there are some pretty steep ones at Muirfield). I am surprised there are not more broken ankles (although I did see some lady bite it on the side of a hill on Saturday – that was pretty humorous…).
2.) Guys Dressed In Their Golf Outfits
I am not talking about the guys that just wear their golf shirts or their golf spikes (the spike-wearers are idiots). I am referring to the guys that are in full gear – golf shoes, pants shirts, hats and sometimes vests. I don’t know if they are trying to fool people into thinking they are pro golfers that already finished their round and are just hanging out on the course (possibly in an attempt to fool the women in #1 above) or they are hoping that Davis Love III is going to go down with a knee injury on the 6th tee and his caddy is going to turn to the crowd and shout, “Isn’t there anyone out there who is properly dressed that can save this round????” Whatever the reason, they look like tools.
3.) Really Old White People
These are the people that have probably been coming to the tournament since it began in the early 70s, and they were still Old White People then (the “Really” part didn’t come until later). They bring their chairs with them and pick out a hole they like and camp out right up front, even if no golfers are scheduled to come through for a few hours. They sit there and chat and continue to creep closer to death. These people are not to be confused with the people that find a whole they like and then put their chair down to save their spot right up front and then LEAVE for a few hours. Those people make me want to throw their chairs into the sandtrap.
4.) The Douchebags Who Follow Tiger.
I know a lot of people follow Tiger Woods. That’s fine – he’s the most popular golfer there is and the sole reason why a lot of people have even the slightest interest in golf. I know this going in and I am fine with it – I either avoid the part of the course he is on, or, if I do want to see him, I find a spot where I can see a few groups ahead of him and wait for the crowds to come to me. My major problem is with the idiots that feel the need shout obnoxiously every time he touches the ball. If you have ever watched Tiger on TV, you know these people. They are the ones that shout “Get in the hole!” when he tees off on a 565 yard par 5 (my favorite example – once on TV I heard someone yell “Get you some!” after one of his drives – classic…). Well, its 50 times worse when you are seeing him in person. There is a lot more yelling and inane Tiger related chatter that the microphones don’t pick up (like the time on Saturday when, after hearing some cheering off in the distance, some yokel behind me remarked. “that must be for Tiger” as if the crowd would not appreciate any other mere mortal’s shot).
Also, make sure you always hit up the pro shop...
1.) The Women There To Land a Rich Husband
I am sure that they are aiming for one of the pro golfers (I found out this weekend that Jim Furyk met his wife in Columbus), but would probably settle for one of the well-off company executives that are everywhere. You can spot these women from a mile away – they are all wearing dresses and are totally dolled up to try and attract attention to themselves. They also have on shoes that look like they would be uncomfortable walking from the house to the mailbox, let alone walking up and down the hills on a golf course (and there are some pretty steep ones at Muirfield). I am surprised there are not more broken ankles (although I did see some lady bite it on the side of a hill on Saturday – that was pretty humorous…).
2.) Guys Dressed In Their Golf Outfits
I am not talking about the guys that just wear their golf shirts or their golf spikes (the spike-wearers are idiots). I am referring to the guys that are in full gear – golf shoes, pants shirts, hats and sometimes vests. I don’t know if they are trying to fool people into thinking they are pro golfers that already finished their round and are just hanging out on the course (possibly in an attempt to fool the women in #1 above) or they are hoping that Davis Love III is going to go down with a knee injury on the 6th tee and his caddy is going to turn to the crowd and shout, “Isn’t there anyone out there who is properly dressed that can save this round????” Whatever the reason, they look like tools.
3.) Really Old White People
These are the people that have probably been coming to the tournament since it began in the early 70s, and they were still Old White People then (the “Really” part didn’t come until later). They bring their chairs with them and pick out a hole they like and camp out right up front, even if no golfers are scheduled to come through for a few hours. They sit there and chat and continue to creep closer to death. These people are not to be confused with the people that find a whole they like and then put their chair down to save their spot right up front and then LEAVE for a few hours. Those people make me want to throw their chairs into the sandtrap.
4.) The Douchebags Who Follow Tiger.
I know a lot of people follow Tiger Woods. That’s fine – he’s the most popular golfer there is and the sole reason why a lot of people have even the slightest interest in golf. I know this going in and I am fine with it – I either avoid the part of the course he is on, or, if I do want to see him, I find a spot where I can see a few groups ahead of him and wait for the crowds to come to me. My major problem is with the idiots that feel the need shout obnoxiously every time he touches the ball. If you have ever watched Tiger on TV, you know these people. They are the ones that shout “Get in the hole!” when he tees off on a 565 yard par 5 (my favorite example – once on TV I heard someone yell “Get you some!” after one of his drives – classic…). Well, its 50 times worse when you are seeing him in person. There is a lot more yelling and inane Tiger related chatter that the microphones don’t pick up (like the time on Saturday when, after hearing some cheering off in the distance, some yokel behind me remarked. “that must be for Tiger” as if the crowd would not appreciate any other mere mortal’s shot).
Also, make sure you always hit up the pro shop...
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